Two years ago today, after driving down the west coast on the 101 from BC all the way down to California, I set foot in San Diego with a TN Visa that was supposed to last until August of this year, and only lasted 7 months.
I had dreams then. Dreams of final fruition after 20+ years of “holding space” on a vision that wouldn’t let me rest. A vision that preoccupied my every focus, over and over and over again. A vision that became my life… my identity.
A vision that in this last year since I have returned to Canada, ironically enough began to release me from it’s grip. And in the last 6 months has ever so gradually and almost imperceptibly, resulted not in the courage to try again as it has done before… but instead, it’s resulted in the peace to truly and fully let it go for the first time – ever.
(Sigh… I breathe deep….)
For the first time in as long as I can remember (20-25 years, maybe?) things look different.
Yes, no doubt there is some sadness at the dream not coming true. Yet I’m distinctly aware that in so many ways it actually did – it just looks different now, and not in the way I thought it might. And in THAT truth, lay the profound nature of the point.
Again and again, and again, I am reminded that it isn’t about the fruition of the dream. No matter how much we may want it – fiercely, vehemently, passionately, and perhaps even desperately, to work out….
And I’m not just blowing smoke or trying to put a silver lining on the cloud either. Results in life are important. I just truly believe in the value of something different or new coming along, and the shift in the adventure that is my life when I truly allow myself to Receive it.
It’s about who we become “on the way” to the fruition of that dream. It’s about the learning journey, and how it evolves – me. And how a willingness to Receive that – how we do it, makes all the difference.
(I pause – meditatively and reflectively… and breathe deep again)
There is some mourning yet to experience I expect – the loss of a dream that didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to – I’m only human you know. But for the most part, that grieving is over … I think.
Instead though, whatever flicker of mourning still exists… well… when I get really honest, it’s more about me grieving ME. I know that sounds funny but it’s true.
No matter how much I wouldn’t trade the growth for anything, and truly don’t want to go back to who I was…. Somewhere along the line, I still mourn the old me who (like Neo in the Matrix) somewhere along the line, chose to take the “red pill”.
The me that (in a very innocent and well-intentioned manner) used the vision to try to cope with the fear, the anxiety and the depression that I’ve been battling day in and day out probably since I was in my early 20’s.
So where am I now? Well… as I snuggle in my bed on a late and lazy Sunday morning, relishing the renewed enthusiasm I’m experiencing for my life again, I can say with all honesty that I feel my life is simpler now… stronger, calmer, quieter. With more presence. Even more… joy, than ever before.
Am I starting fresh? Could be… I think so… And if the new and different opportunities and directions that are emerging in my life now are any indication – I hope so.
So this is being written to say “Thank-you” and “Good-bye” to the Summer of 2013, you’ve been the most cleansing of my life, and have allowed me not only to enjoy the weather, good friends, and good quiet time, but also to be fully “present” to a few pleasant surprises lately…
(I pause again and smile… a soft, gradual and gentle smile – the kind that looks like it’s on the verge of a snicker of amuzement).
I’m in gratitude to you my warm and sunny companion… you’ve definitely set an unprecedented tone.